The World Needs Heroes

This week’s tip to tackle tedious is still terrific even though the title suggests not. Trust me it is. It almost pains me to say this, actually it does hurt quite allot. Most of you will know why, especially if you know me, and I am sure some of you even agree with me. This weeks tight tip to tackle tediousness is to use that lousy and ungodly retarded internet site known as facebook. WAAHH! Yes facebook is sucky, lame and there is not allot of good coming out of it. It tears at the cockles of my heart that everyone uses it.  However it is a great way to tackle tediousness.<insert long sigh here, no a longer sigh, cmon sigh like you really mean it> You can creep on all your friends and your friends’ friends. Also and this is my personal favoritest thing to do. You can comment on their statuses. I usually try to say something funny or inspiring or heck both, although this is solely my opinion of my remarks and I will remind you that were hurt or puzzled by my remarks that I meant no harm or foul and feel free to drop me a line telling me that I crossed a barrier. It may not help anything out but then I will know and you never know I might show you some compassion or at least a little consideration. So to Snoop Dogg this up facebook is a terrific way to tackle your tediousness and it can be done tightly. Tah Tah!

I was yakking with an individual and someone I ended up googling creations by Canadians. Here is the link and be proud, be very proud  http://careerchem.com/NAMED/Canadian-Inventions.html

This week’s tip seems to have a few too many T’s in the title, it also is not inspired by Danielle Sproule, it will still be terrific and tremendous though. Since it is the holiday season, I am advising everyone to spread a little holiday cheer. Spreading cheer tackles tediousness tremendously and is cheap and easy to do. Smile at people, be polite, etc etc. What you think that is a lousy tip? Fine then do what everyone else does and be rude. Tips on being rude for the holiday involve ramming people with your shopping trolleys, screaming at people that are paying cash in long lines, or any lines, because cash is obviously slower than digging around in your purse, finding your card, pulling your card out, forgetting your pin number, having to enter your pin number 3 times, having the machine time out, and then having to pay cash anyways. Remember also that the middle finger should be flaunted as often as possible. Merry Fucking Christmas. Feel free to add to these tips as there are many many many many many others. Tah Tah

The Art or Knack of Flying

There is an art or rather a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Pick a nice day and try it.

The first part is easy. All that is required is the simple ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it is going to hurt. That is, it is going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground.

Most people fail to miss the ground and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hardly. Clearly, it is the second part, the missing, which presents the most difficulties.

One problem is that you have to miss the ground accidentally. It is no good deliberately intending to miss the ground because you won’t. You have to have your attention suddenly distracted by something else when you are halfway there, so that you are no longer thinking about falling, or about the ground or how much it is going to hurt if you fail to miss it.

It is notoriously difficult to pry your attention away from these three things during the split second you have at your disposal. Hence most people’s failure, and their eventual disillusionment with this exhilarating and spectacular sport.

If, however, you are lucky enough to have your attention momentarily distracted at the crucial moment then in your astonishment you will miss the ground completely and remain bobbing just a few inches above it in what seems like a slightly foolish manner.

This is a moment for superb and delicate concentration.

Last week’s tight tip to tackle tediousness was inspired by Danielle Sproule. This week’s tight tip is not inspired at all. It is made up 100% by the guy with two thumbs right here. This week’s tip is to purchase a new technological device. This should keep you occupied for quite sometime, especially since no one ever read instructions or manuals and even if they did they would find that those are quite impossibly to understand. You want a terrific example. I hear you screaming for it, Hear it comes. I recently purchased a new technological device which we will just call a cell phone for short. This phone really was allot more advanced then my previous phone, which is now a paper weight with a back up battery and the ability to capture shitty stop motion pictures and even shittier live action cinematography. My new cell phone is so advanced that it took me the full month to figure out its basic principles. I can now text message random people without having to retype messages. Quite a terrific time saver. Well that’s it for the tremendous tedious tackling tips that are tightly terrific this Tuesday. Tah Tah!  Once again last week’s tight tip to tackle tediousness tremendously was inspired by Danielle Sproule. There Dani, you have been given street cred. Tah Tah!

Oh Lord, Great Divine One, God, protect me from knowing what I don’t need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don’t know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen!

When a man steals your wife, there is not better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other but still they stay together.    Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.  Socrates

The most effective way to remember her birthday is to forget it once.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.   Rodney Dangerfield

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

There are 3 little words that work, hold on, please. Saying this while walking off would make each telemarketing call so much more time consuming. Then when you eventually hear the phone’s beep beep beep, you know it is time to go back and hang up, as its task has been efficiently completed.

Do you get those annoying phone calls when no one is there? This is another telemarketing technique that uses a machine to auto dial phone numbers so that the company will now when the best time is to call back. What you can do to stop this is to hit the # key on your phone as quickly as possible, 6 or 7 times should do the trick. This is suppose to confuse the machine that dialed you and then it kicks you out of its system.

Junk Mail Help

When you get ads enclosed with your utility bills just return them with your payment. Let the companies throw out there own junk mail.

When you get those pre-approved letters do not throw away the return envelope. They are prepaid right? Why not put some of your other junk mail in these little envelopes.

Notice that I added another T to this weeks tight tip to tackle tediousness. Terrific aint I. I wasn’t going to do this post till next week, or sometime after but fate has triumphed. This weeks tip to tackle tediousness tightly is to get sick. With the scare of H1N1 and all this talk and chatter of it it is a perfect time to get sick. Now getting sick does suck, but it is a great way to tackle your tediousness. You get to stay at home, have a great excuse to sleep in and often, and when you finally feel better, you feel like you accomplished something. I am currently working on kicking H1N1’s ass. I thought I had it beaten. After doing nasty flu like things Sunday and Monday, Monday evening I felt like I was improving. I woke up today and figured I was cured. I remained cured until later in the afternoon when out of nowhere a sore throat and stuffy nose struck. Life is cruel and unfair. Anyways that is this week’s, Tuesday’s tight tip to tackle tediousness tremendously. Have a terrific week and tah tah.

1. A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.

2. Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.

3. When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.

4. Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.

5. Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.

6. When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.

7. A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.

8. No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.

9. A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.

10. During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.

11. No pirate shall ever wear a “fanny pack”.

12. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone’s and other “Wench Punch” is prohibited.

13. A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.

14. No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.

15. Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.

16. No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.

17. Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel– head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.

18. A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin’.

19. Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word “Fabulous”. Ever.

20. No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.

21. Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let’s say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.

22. Pirate Law: “ARRRRRRRRRRR…” is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.

23. A pirate does not “go shopping”. Unless by “shopping”, you mean “killing”.

24. Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase “shiver me timbers”.

25. Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.

26. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.

27. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is “wrinkled”. A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.

28. When drinking, Pirates may sing. “Fifteen Men on a Dead Man’s Chest” is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.

29. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.

30. No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.

31. If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status.

32. A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn’t really be “snuggling”.

33. A pirate may never wear another man’s clothing, unless he first kills that man.

34. Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.

35. Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any comments about “Mr. Peanut” while wearing the monacle are prohibited.

36. When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back. <!–
37. Pirates do not go shopping. They go lootin’ and plunderin’. –>

38. A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.

39. Lifting or removing one’s eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It’s just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate’s eyepatch, except with a sword to the face.

40. Pirates never use the words “fresh” or “feelings,” and certainly not together (as in “I have that not-so-fresh feeling”).

41. A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn’t been searching hard enough.

42. While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja’s arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.

43. No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.

44. Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.

45. When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.

46. Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can’t stand bleedin’ from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.

47. A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it’s halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.

48. Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.

49. Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we’re talking about, not Inspector Gadget.

50. A pirate’s diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.

51. Pirate Law: You can’t spell pirate, without “irate”. There’s a reason for that, so don’t even try.

52. No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.

53. Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.

54. A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.

55. When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.

56. The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.

57. No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.

58. Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.

59. When at the office, answering the telephone with “Arrrrrrr” is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are “Avast!”, and “Ahoy Matey!”

60. A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.

61. All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as “lass”.

62. Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest.

63. Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of “pouring some out for dead mateys”.

64. A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.

65. A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.

66. No pirate may do the arm movements for “YMCA”, or engage in country-western line-dancing.

67. Pirates do not say “please” or “thank you”. The phrase “Arrr, I’ll probably kill you tomorrow” is an acceptable alternative for “Thank you”.

68. Should the ship’s bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.

69. Pirates do not “IM”. The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest.

70. Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything “minty fresh” is strictly forbidden.

71. Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.

It’s been quite awhile since I have had any wisdom to share, well wisdom that was worth sharing at least. I finally did some searching, on the internet and within my soul to come up with this advice tho. This subject is quite familiar to me and probably allot of you readers as well. I am going to give you some advice on drunkenness. That’s right, just on being drunk in general. I have already mentioned some hangover cures sometime earlier but now I feel I can touch on the root, or fun, that comes with the hangover. Are you sitting down? Are you ready for this? Here it is my advice on drunkenness. Ar you sure you are ready? Alright. Here it is the advice on drunkenness. Go to it and good luck.