Driving Instructions
1. Buckle Up - First of all, and this is important on many levels: Buckle up and adjust your seat into forward attack position. You're not sitting in a couch and being laid back with your mind on your money will not help you absorb the horizontal g forces you may experience as a result of putting to use whats in this guide.
2. Get Eyes In the Back of Your Head - As with any really bad-ass movie villain and hero alike, you need to get eyes in the back of your head. This means never take your eye off the rear view mirror. You never know when someone is going to attempt to get ahead of you or cut you off on the road. As an added bonus you get to watch the pissed off the guy you just cut off, punch his dashboard in anger.
3. On Changing Lanes - Once you get eyes in the back of your head changing lanes will become fluid and the cut off maneuver as natural as second hand smoke. However restrictions do apply in this case.
• Never cut off a dude who has an abnormally muscular and tattooed arm swinging out his side window.
• Never cut off someone who may be carrying a weapon, this means: Police Crown Vics, Cadillacs with tinted windows, Pickups with confederate flag bumper stickers, 80's Hondas with duct tape attached bumpers, as well as certain military vehicles.
• Exception: If you drive a faster car, or yourself have abnormally muscular tattooed arms and a large caliber weapon, the cut off maneuver is then acceptable in virtually all situations.
4. The Radio - Adjust to a volume louder than that little voice of conscious and good judgment that is obviously holding you back.
5. Yellow Lights - The actual purpose of yellow lights at intersections are to signal that the speed limit is no longer in affect for the duration of the light. Exception: If you have a friend following in their own car, don't leave them hanging on the yellow. This is the road equivalent to leaving a wounded man behind.
6. Road Rage - A skilled driver does not let emotion get in the way. But in the event when living in the fast lane finally catches up with you: Follow through with your threats. No one likes a whiner.
7.The BRB lights - When you finally arrive at your destination, do not let the chore of finding parking slow you down. Most modern automobiles are equipped with emergency flashers exactly for the occasion when you need to run into a WAWA real quick. In many situations your BRB time limit may be extended to the life of your car battery.
8. On New Jersey - Avoid driving in New Jersey. Infamous for its oppression of automotive freedom and democracy, Jersey has become a modern day depiction of the movie Mad Max where highway patrolmen delusionally pretend they are Mel Gibson.
9. Jersey Slide - when merging onto a highway with more than two lanes, slide across all possible lanes to get to the fast lane in the quickest and most convenient way possible. - Morgan Zalot
10. Text Messaging - A generally acceptable practice while in car. On occasion text messages with mild importance such as "where you at?" or "yo dude can you text me jane's number" will take precedence over general road rules such including traffic lights and yield warnings. In the event when your cellular device requires two hand use, (i.e. Sidekick) employ the left knee for steering. *
* Text messaging should not be practiced in a manual transmission automobile.
11. Shotgun - When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.
Credit: Man Law # 15 | Facebook
12. Drunk Driving - Driving under the influence of alcohol is not recommended but may sometimes be deemed rational in certain circumstances:
• Your car is parked at a meter
• You can't break a 10 for bus tokens
• In the event when more alcohol is needed and you are the least intoxicated of the capable drivers
• Any sort of charitable deed that requires driving nullifies the legal liability of driving under the influence
• Finally, No one has had the balls to take away your keys.
13. Criteria - When shopping for a new automobile, criteria such as safety, fuel efficiency and reliability must take a backseat to the main reasons you even look for a car: 0 - 60 acceleration rate and, equally as important, 60 - 25* deceleration rate.
A professional driver's chrome rims must be blackened with break dust after every trip. The rims must be chrome, and you must wash them always.
Other important criteria to consider when purchasing a vehicle are : How far the seat reclines, Red Bull compatible cup holders, the back windows must lower all the way down, also, the car must come with pussy magnet.
* You should never find yourself going 0.
14. Parallel parking - a skill necessary for those of us who are urban drivers and unable to provide luxuries such as garage and valet parking for their vehicle. Parallel parking must be done first try. In the event of a fail, you must leave the spot and search for another, attempting the job again calls for automatic demotion to soccer mom status.
Exiting a spot, however, allows multiple attempts. Every hue of paint on the corners of your bumper is comparable to those tally marks WWII fighter pilots drew on the side of their planes.
15. Parking Tickets - When difficulty in finding a spot arises, especially in urban areas, weigh out your options:
• Circle around and risk hitting a pedestrian.
• Pay 25 dollars for several hours in a cramped spot by a support column in a parking garage thats several miles from where you need to be.
• Pay a one time fee of under $51 for exclusive permission to park in: loading zones, bus stops, sidewalks, as well as by fire safety infrastructure like hydrants.
Once you receive your official permission, signed by an officer of the Philadelphia Parking Authority, you able to reuse it in other location by placing it faced down underneath the windshield wiper closest to the curb.
16.Poser Speeding - Under no circumstances will a driver of any car go over 30 miles higher than the speed limit on a straight highway and later go below 15 mph of such said speed limit when encountering curves up ahead. A violation of this rule will result in the labeling of wannabe, poser and so on.
Pavel Alberto Villaseca Devia (Bishop Mcnally High School) -capitalization and metric system revised by admin-
17. Passing Lane -In normal moving traffic, you are eligible to cruise in the 'passing lane' only if your cruising speed is at least 20mph over the posted speed limit. If you're doing 85mph in the 70mph, then use your indicator and MOVE OVER!
Lloyd Angus (West Palm Beach, FL)
18. The North-Philly Cut - When driving on a narrow, one lane street, its not unusual that several cars ahead of you are rolling at 5 under the posted 25. As you and the group stops at the next light use the space to the left or right of you to move beside the first car in the column, make sure to check to check for tatts, or if a nine is laying in the passenger seat. Keep an eye on the light, if it's still red, but you're absolutely sure it'll probably turn green pretty soon, drive up in front of this nOob. Repeat if necessary at the next intersection.
This tactic was originally developed for driving through some areas of North Philadelphia.
19. Terminology/Semantics - When owning the road with a passenger seat navigator, it is important to communicate upcoming maneuvers. This flow of communication demands a transfer of information in a very limited amount of time. Attempting to warn your navigator of your action may cause you to loose the given opportunity. Highly specific, concise and standardized terminology was developed in order to prevent this problem on the road.
• Own/Pwn - To intentionally pass someone at a high speed.
• Pole Position - Being the first car at a red. (Must be achieved at all cost)
• The Pocket - Vital in the North Philly Cut, this is the space to the sides of the car in pole position, usually occupied by trashcans, pedestrians or other curb stuff. (don't let this stuff get in your way)
• North Philly Cut - Refer above to 18
• Uppercut - A variation of classic tailgating with actual bumper to bumper contact. Bonus points if they get out of your lane.
• Right/Left Hook - Passing someone followed by moving into their lane.
• Shortcut - Driving the wrong way down a one way street for purpose of saving time.
Out of respect and balls required, the following high risk maneuvers honor modern day action heroes:
• The Sam Jackson - Passing slow moving vehicles such as school or commuter buses in the opposing traffic lane during rush hour traffic.
• The Rambo - Crossing multiple lanes (Right Rambo/ Left Rambo)
• The Bruce Willis - Crossing multiple lanes through traffic (Higher Risk than the Rambo maneuver)
• The John McClain - Crossing multiple lanes with very high risk and in view of law enforcement. Preferably helicopter.
For proper style the John McClain must be executed while screaming "Yippie kay yay motherfucker" with the windows rolled down. - Nicole Saylor
Note: When driving a Sport Utility Vehicle, all terms may be interchanged with Shwartzeneger-ing, regardless of maneuver.
Example:
"I'm about to jump across six lanes to the right on the outside part of the expressway, so grab onto something"
Statement can be rewritten as: "I'm about to John McClain to the right. Yippie kay yey motherfuker!!"
20. Highway Merging - Merging onto crowded highways requires close adherence to the strategy of accelerating to a speed equal-to or greater-than the speed of the traffic on the highway BEFORE coming to the end of the onramp. At no point is slowing to a near- or full-stop acceptable. Doing so opens the door for following cars to go around you. Under no circumstances is adherence to the posted yield sign acceptable, resulting road rage from other drivers is not to be contested. Multiple offenders of the rule will be denied high way privileges for life.
Marcus Pochettino (UPenn)
21. The Philly Stop - An innovative time saving manuever developed in the Philadelphia area in order to avoid full stops in places where they are required by law. The technique employees David Copperfield style optical illusion tactics simple enough for any driver to master. As the vehicle approaches an intersection where a stop is required, the driver must use his professional judgement to evaluate the situation and deem the full stop unnecessary.* Once a decision has been made, the driver initiates the Philly Stop, within 30 feet of the intersection, light pressure is applied to the break pedal switching on rear break lights, however doing little/nothing to slow the motion of the car. As the vehicle makes its way to the center of the intersection, the manuever is complete and the break pedal is depressed. When executed correctly, the car will appear to have stopped for the duration of break light time.
22. Crashing Your Car - Tragic events occur, and through no fault of your own, someone may decide to break unexpectedly causing you to break the tailgate cruising distance and destroy your front end. In this case when your primary mode of transportation is lost, it is in no way acceptable to revert to the pre-liscence way of life and using public transportation. To substitute the average expenses of owning a vehicle, Taxi rides should be taken long distance with no discretion. When taxi is not available, friends are responsible for your transportation, you must also always point out that it is rude for them to ask you for gas money on account you are saving for a new ride. It is also not only acceptable, but admirable to start personal charity funds (ie. Car Jar) and accept donations to help with your misfortune.
23. Points - Points are the standard international (SI) units of measurement of professional driving skill. They are awarded by law enforcement personnel during a ceremony decorated with flashing lights and later with an official letter from a district traffic court. Accumulation of Points correlates with status and corresponds to the following driver titles:
• Permit Pussy - Less than 5 Points accumulated
• Neast Ricer - 6 - 7 Points
• Red Light Cruiser - 8 - 9 Points
• Moving Violator - 9 - 11 Points
• Suspended License Legend - 12 or more Points. At this status, after a successful career of professional driving, drivers are accepted into retirement
Posted by
Master of Dark Illusions
at
10:16:44
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