Saturday, January 26, 2008

Dear Employees

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative  'TRY SAYING'  phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
 
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.
 
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the hell do you expect me to do this?
 
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
 
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
 
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
 
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
 
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
 
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
 
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
 
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
 
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
 
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
 
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
 
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
 
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.
 
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?
 
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
 
Thank You,
Human Resources





Posted by Master of Dark Illusions at 21:57:58 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Bored??

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4.Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6.In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'.
7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8.Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go
Posted by Master of Dark Illusions at 20:39:26 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Damn Good Advice

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 
                       
9. Support bacteria. That's the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (That's True)
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Posted by Master of Dark Illusions at 17:34:14 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Friday, January 18, 2008

Fuck You Old Man Winters

I told you this last year now your gonna fucking get it. You have till tomorrow to knock this fucking shit off or I'm shoving a hot plate so far up your ass, no one will know which end I shoved it in. It's fucking cold, knock off this bullshit Old Man Winters. Like FUCK!!  We know its winter, but still doesn't mean we have to freeze our eyeballs or anything else when we are outside for 2 minutes. Listen up and listen good you olf fuck. FUCKING FUCK OFF WITH THE WINTERY SHIT. How am I suppose to go tobagging, and all that other stuff, when my eyeballs freeze. Make sit hard to see Dumbshit. So this is your last warning, you FUCK right off with this cold bullshit, we all get the point, we know its there, we know your powers. So Fuck Off or you are getting the hot plate, and that'll make the sun shine allright.
Posted by Master of Dark Illusions at 19:09:17 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Friday, January 11, 2008

Rules for 2008 and Beyond

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?
Posted by Master of Dark Illusions at 19:30:32 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Monday, January 07, 2008

Prejudice

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kiwi Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition: The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. They still had the trailer attached to the bottom of the boat.

Notice how none of these stories say, a woman, or a black man. My point is stupidity knows no race. It doesn't even know a species. And I am very rasicst against stupid people. They piss me off to know end. Why can't they just get smarter?

Posted by Master of Dark Illusions at 20:25:34 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Royalties, WOOP

I received a friendly email a few days ago. It seems there is a good possibility that my voice could be on an Album. The band is calling themselves the Choades for now at least. Not sure if this will actually happen or not, but its in the works. Their lead singer has quite an ego and is not very thrilled about me influencing his music. Needless to say thought this is a two part story. As I also received a small cheque from them. It seems they have been doing a few live shows and made a bit of money and thus sent me a cheque. It's greatly appreciated. I wold also love to be put on an album, not sure how thrilled I would be about becoming famous and recognized by the masses but that's blowing alot of smoke out of my ass for now. Right now I'll stick with being on the DL.
Posted by Master of Dark Illusions at 13:34:41 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Friday, January 04, 2008

Fucking Cheap Rich Bastards

Another addition of Fucking You Friday. Today I'm grumping about work a bit. No one at work though, just customers. The ones that have oodles of money but are too fucking cheap to part with it. Now I understand wanting to save a buck, or even $500, which is todays case that finally set me off. Now my new job entitles me to be a bit snoopy, so I occasionally see some bank information. Nothing serious just that little slip of paper you get from the depoit machine. It seems though tht only the rich people leave these behind. Us poor folk must know we are poor and assume everyone else knows as well. Therefore we have no need to rub it in your face. Now I've seen numerous bank statements, with over $10G in their account and they were very recent like within a week. So you're not hurting for money. Therefore why bring in your filthy filthy stain infested carcass of a vehicle, it was an 05 even, just to save $500. Now that is a good sum of money but it was less then 2% of your bank statement, so I think you're fine. Needless to say though I gave it my best attempt and it is probably some of the best and finest work I have ever done, even amongst all the bitching and moaning and cussing. I did however fail. You are not going to get back your money. When you return your lease, to GMAC, unless the guy is blind and has lost the sense of touch, and his other senses, yes your car even sounds filthy, you will not get refunded. But you did make me give a damn good effort, even when I told you and my boss told you, and a few others that it would take a miracle to clean it up. Mircacles normally happen to the rich but not today. So Fuck You. Fuck Your doggie too, that stinky little bastard. Also I might add hahahaha!!
Posted by Master of Dark Illusions at 18:13:09 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |