The World Needs Heroes

Just in Case You Get a Cheque…
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus payment i.e HST rebate. This is a very exciting program from the Sask. government. I’ll explain it using the Q and A format:

> > Q. What is Sask.’s Economic Stimulus payment?
> > A. It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.
> > Q. Where will the government get this money?
> > A. From taxpayers…
> > Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
> > A. Only a smidgen.
> > Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
> > A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-
> > definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
> > Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
> > A. Shut up or you don’t get your cheque.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

> > 1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go
to China.
> > 2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
> > 3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
> > 4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala…
> > 5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
> > 6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
> > 7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Or, you can keep the money in Canada by:
> > 1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
> > 2. going to baseball or football games, or
> > 3. hiring prostitutes, or
> > 4. buying cheap beer or
> > 5. getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-owned businesses still operating in Canada.
Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you’re drunk enough to go get tattooed.

This week’s tight tip to tackle tediousness tremendously is to have children. Children are always entertianing. Not always in a good way but if you are being tight with your money, you are not exactly looking for fun ways to be entertained. Even extremely well-behaved children will entertain almost constantly throughout your day, especially if you stay awake for that said day. I can’t even go in do details with the topics that will be discussed or the activities that will be performed or watched. The list is infinite and if you think that there is a topic that will not be used then you truely do not know the meaning of the word infinite. It’s allot like unobtainium, except that in a fictional movie namely Avatar, unobtainium is obtainable. I know wrap your mind around that for a second. Do not mistake the the entertainment that children provide with puppies or other animals. Children are 500 times more entertaining than any animal. Some even have less of an attention span. The less the attention span of the child, the more entertainment value that child is worth. Remember I am not talking about positive entertainment, like reading to them or watching a movie with. Those are great but far from few. Most of your entertainment with children will be done cleaning up after them, watching them do something completely and utterly boring and then getting yelled at by someone for not watching it, the list truely is infinite. INFINITE!! Just thinking about it does wonders. It may strike fear in the heart of many. Countries will be crippled. Mayham will ensue. I’m not talking about the mayham that a Kristin Teleford can do. That is so miniscule when compared to the mayham a child can provide that it seems hardly worth mentioning, but it was. Oh I should say entertainment not mayham. But most of you understand anyways. If not you will learn. This concludes this week’s tip to tackle your tediousness tremendously and tightly. TAH TAH! and MAYHAM

This weeks terrific tip to tackle tediousness tightly is requiring some thinking. I think I am running out of ideas to tackle tediousness. It does not mean I am less tedious than before. It just means that I need to thinkof how to tackle tediousness tremendously do I can give you the proper tips to tackle your tediousness tighty and terrificly. Thinking.. thinking… still thinking. I sure am tedious today. This getting a job thing is not exactly tackling my tediousness to the full extent. Thinking.. tackling tedious tightly tips… hmmmm. I’ve got it. Thinking is a great way to tackle tediousness tightly. That’s my tip for this week. Tune in next Tuesday for another tremendous tip to tackle tediousness tightly. Tah Tah

Ok I was really trying to drag the thinking bit on and on and on but it just got way to tedious.

This week’s tip to tightly tackle your tediousness went so terrifcly well that I wasn’t the slightest bit tedious enough last Tuesday to talk about tediousness. The tip of topic is so tremendously terrific yet thoughtless that it almost is not worth the trouble of mentioning. The tip is to become employed. YES! Employed or to get a J O B. Becoming employed might not be the best way to tackle tedious, but it is a tight way and in fact if it is a propler employment arrangement will increase your tightness. Now the better places to be employed are not in your own home and to be where there are others that are employed as well. This will allow you to exit your dwelling/place where all your stuff is/home and to go out and engage in an entirely new concept of life. If you find that you are tackling that trick ol’tediousness then hopefully there are others around you. Try forming a tedious tackling team at this place of employment. Daily saefty meeting might be required, bring refreshments and snacks. Hopefully this week’s tight tip to tremendously tackle tediousness works allot better for you than it does for me. As my situation currently stand I am just tedious in a new enviroment. Tah Tah

Today’s totally terrific tackling tediousness tip tightly is brought to you by D2(pronounced D squared). D2 is a two person team created on a day that was not at all like today, it was not snowing, there was no snow on the ground in fact and it wasn’t cold out at all. D2 is a person who previously inspired a post I did under this terrific tight tip topic, Danielle Sproule. I will let you know that she is not behind really any of this terrific and tremendously talented writing She is just the person responsible for the topic and the terrific talent is all mine. If I don’t give her any credit though she tends to whine a little so I am doing this solely out of the best interest for myself as well. This is mine and I can do with it as I want. Anyways that was some talented typing, wasn’t it . Now for this week’s tip, brought to you by D2. Maybe I should change the name to D3, )D tripled) since it is at least two parts myself and one part her. Nah, she’ll likely whine about this as it is. Anyways this week’s terrific tip to tackle tediousness tightly is to play/assemble/get frustrated with/destroy those wonderful christmas presents you received. Whether it be a shelf that was given to you in 3 boxes without any damn tools, an ipod to hook up to the interweb and download various things, or worst of all your childrens’ or little relatives’ toy. Doing this should occupy the rest of your christmas day and in fact if you were doing this for children, your hours and hours of labor likely made their day for 10 whole minutes. This might turn into a friday post. Anyways enjoying assembling and playing with your christmas gifts and try not to destroy them in the process. If you do happen to destroy them, then god speed as you have just ruined Christmas for another innocent little soul. Congrads and tah Tah!

This week’s tip to tackle tedious is still terrific even though the title suggests not. Trust me it is. It almost pains me to say this, actually it does hurt quite allot. Most of you will know why, especially if you know me, and I am sure some of you even agree with me. This weeks tight tip to tackle tediousness is to use that lousy and ungodly retarded internet site known as facebook. WAAHH! Yes facebook is sucky, lame and there is not allot of good coming out of it. It tears at the cockles of my heart that everyone uses it.  However it is a great way to tackle tediousness.<insert long sigh here, no a longer sigh, cmon sigh like you really mean it> You can creep on all your friends and your friends’ friends. Also and this is my personal favoritest thing to do. You can comment on their statuses. I usually try to say something funny or inspiring or heck both, although this is solely my opinion of my remarks and I will remind you that were hurt or puzzled by my remarks that I meant no harm or foul and feel free to drop me a line telling me that I crossed a barrier. It may not help anything out but then I will know and you never know I might show you some compassion or at least a little consideration. So to Snoop Dogg this up facebook is a terrific way to tackle your tediousness and it can be done tightly. Tah Tah!

I was yakking with an individual and someone I ended up googling creations by Canadians. Here is the link and be proud, be very proud  http://careerchem.com/NAMED/Canadian-Inventions.html

This week’s tip seems to have a few too many T’s in the title, it also is not inspired by Danielle Sproule, it will still be terrific and tremendous though. Since it is the holiday season, I am advising everyone to spread a little holiday cheer. Spreading cheer tackles tediousness tremendously and is cheap and easy to do. Smile at people, be polite, etc etc. What you think that is a lousy tip? Fine then do what everyone else does and be rude. Tips on being rude for the holiday involve ramming people with your shopping trolleys, screaming at people that are paying cash in long lines, or any lines, because cash is obviously slower than digging around in your purse, finding your card, pulling your card out, forgetting your pin number, having to enter your pin number 3 times, having the machine time out, and then having to pay cash anyways. Remember also that the middle finger should be flaunted as often as possible. Merry Fucking Christmas. Feel free to add to these tips as there are many many many many many others. Tah Tah

The Art or Knack of Flying

There is an art or rather a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Pick a nice day and try it.

The first part is easy. All that is required is the simple ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it is going to hurt. That is, it is going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground.

Most people fail to miss the ground and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hardly. Clearly, it is the second part, the missing, which presents the most difficulties.

One problem is that you have to miss the ground accidentally. It is no good deliberately intending to miss the ground because you won’t. You have to have your attention suddenly distracted by something else when you are halfway there, so that you are no longer thinking about falling, or about the ground or how much it is going to hurt if you fail to miss it.

It is notoriously difficult to pry your attention away from these three things during the split second you have at your disposal. Hence most people’s failure, and their eventual disillusionment with this exhilarating and spectacular sport.

If, however, you are lucky enough to have your attention momentarily distracted at the crucial moment then in your astonishment you will miss the ground completely and remain bobbing just a few inches above it in what seems like a slightly foolish manner.

This is a moment for superb and delicate concentration.

Last week’s tight tip to tackle tediousness was inspired by Danielle Sproule. This week’s tight tip is not inspired at all. It is made up 100% by the guy with two thumbs right here. This week’s tip is to purchase a new technological device. This should keep you occupied for quite sometime, especially since no one ever read instructions or manuals and even if they did they would find that those are quite impossibly to understand. You want a terrific example. I hear you screaming for it, Hear it comes. I recently purchased a new technological device which we will just call a cell phone for short. This phone really was allot more advanced then my previous phone, which is now a paper weight with a back up battery and the ability to capture shitty stop motion pictures and even shittier live action cinematography. My new cell phone is so advanced that it took me the full month to figure out its basic principles. I can now text message random people without having to retype messages. Quite a terrific time saver. Well that’s it for the tremendous tedious tackling tips that are tightly terrific this Tuesday. Tah Tah!  Once again last week’s tight tip to tackle tediousness tremendously was inspired by Danielle Sproule. There Dani, you have been given street cred. Tah Tah!